Another Pandora's Box is Opened...

"If you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you. If you don't bring forth what is within you, what is within you will destroy you." - Jodie Picoult, Change of Heart

Again I find myself at a loss of words or even a starting point for this new twist of fate that has happened in my life. I guess the beginning is always a good place to start...

When my dad was married to his second wife they had a daughter, Kaylani, together. I am 6 years older than Kaylani. Well, at the age of 9 (Kaylani would have been 3) my dad's marriage to Kaylani's mom fell apart and ended in divorce. I am not really sure of the events that transpired but when I was 13 or 14 (I can't really remember for sure and Kaylani would have been like 7 or 8) my dad made the difficult choice to terminate his rights and allow Kaylani to be adopted by the man that had been raising her. We hadn't really seen Kaylani at all since she was 4, maybe 5. (Again I'm not exactly sure)

I have always thought about and wondered about Kaylani as I grew up, and especially once I started my own family. In 1994 (Kaylani was 16) when Kaitlin was going to be in a national pageant in Las Vegas (where Kaylani lived, well still does) I looked Kaylani up and asked her if she would be willing to meet with us. She seemed pretty excited at the idea of meeting us, and so when we arrived in Vega we called to let her know we were there. The first time I met with her was before my dad & Beth had gotten there and it was wonderful to see what she looked liked and to spend time with her. Once my dad & Beth arrived we called her again so that she could meet with our dad for the first time. That visit too was wonderful, I often wondered how my dad felt that night when he saw his daughter again for the time in such a long time. (I now have a very good idea of what he was thinking and feeling...lol) After Kaylani (and her mom) left I had great hopes of us keeping in touch with each other. Unfortunately, it just didn't happen. It really wasn't my fault or hers life just kind of happened.

About 4 years ago my brother (he is my dad and my step-mom's son) went to Las Vegas and looked Kaylani up. From what I understand they had an amazing time together, and ever since have kept in touch with each other. Kaylani then went into reunion with our dad as well, but for some reason her and I never did. There were a couple times I would try to call her, but to no avail. Again life was just happening for her, and I decided that I should just let her be. That when she was ready she would contact me.

April last year Kaylani had her first baby. A beautiful baby girl, Seneca Nevaeh, I was excited for her and my dad. I was even more excited when she sent pics of the baby to my dad. Again, I tried to make contact with her, but she was busy with her baby...and life just kept on happening.

In June last year our brother and his family was getting ready to be moved to Hawaii with the Us Army, during his going away party Kaylani called. My dad asked her if she wanted to talk to me and you can only imagine how thrilled I was when she said yes. (I hadn't seen her or heard her voice in almost 14 years) I got on the phone and had no idea of what to say. (it must have been God giving me a trial run for my call that would come almost a year later.) But we started with Hello, and then it just flowed from there. I was ecstatic that she wanted to talk to me. I WAS going to do everything in my power to keep in touch with her, I made up my mind. Well...AGAIN...life happened...and I didn't do it.

So imagine my surprise when my phone rang last night at about 10:00 PM and kaylani's number showed up in the caller id. I couldn't answer it fast enough. Basically she was answering a SOS text I had sent out to her. I had sent her text asking her for some...any...advice that she would be willing to give me about the mind of an adoptee. I chose to contact Kaylani because she was only 16 when she met our dad for the first time. Although I am a member of an on-line support group for all 3 sides of the adoption triad, most of the adoptees on that support site are all older and went into reunion much later in life. So I wanted someone that could really understand the mind of a young adoptee. We talked for almost 3 hours about my adoption journey, her emotional roller coaster ride of a reunion, my reunion roller coaster, her baby, my children, and just life in general. It was so wonderful, she sounds so happy and fulfilled...and that gives me hope for Jenna. I have made a commitment to myself to do everything in my power to keep in touch with Kaylani, , to let her know that she is loved and wanted by myself and my family. And I hope that she will accept us into her life as an extended family (not as a replacement for her family).

I have slowly come to realize that I have a whole bunch of Pandora's boxes in my past that I haven't dealt with. I guess God is telling me that it is time, it is time to stop hurting, and really know what it means to live. I have no idea where my reunion with Kaylani will lead, and I am not getting ahead of myself this time. I now can truly understand the mind frame and space that the adoptee needs to be able to process this thing we call "reunion".

Kaylani, thank you for being there when I needed you. It may not seem like you did much to help, but believe me when I say...you really did help. When you returned that frantic text with your phone call last night you made me feel like you care about me...and it meant more than you will ever know. Thank you for your words of wisdom...thank you for the hope you gave me...but most of all thank you for the time you spent with me last night. I know you probably had a million other things you could have been doing, but you chose to give that time to me...Thank you, Kay. I love you!!!